


Mamihlapinatapai

by vaguada



Category: Pocket Monsters | Pokemon (Main Video Game Series), Pocket Monsters | Pokemon - All Media Types, Pocket Monsters: HeartGold & SoulSilver | Pokemon HeartGold & SoulSilver Versions
Genre: A lot of inner thoughts, Fluff, Getting Together, Green is done, Hey your crush is showing, Implied Sexual Content, Light Angst, M/M, Maybe you can count this as mind reading, Miscommunication, Non-Sexual Intimacy, Pining, Red is assertive, Selectively Mute Red (Pokemon), Sign Language
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-23
Updated: 2020-08-23
Packaged: 2021-03-07 02:00:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,959
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26059147
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vaguada/pseuds/vaguada
Summary: "A look shared by two people, each wishing that the other would initiate something that they both desire but which neither wants to begin.”There’s a silence between the two in which they only look into each other's eyes, as they usually do, and Green is no longer so afraid to hold his gaze because with every second that passes he gets more convinced that the ~reading minds~ thingy was just a weird idea.
Relationships: Ookido Green | Blue Oak/Red
Comments: 11
Kudos: 88





	Mamihlapinatapai

**Author's Note:**

> Hello,  
> just a little explanation here: I've been a pkmn fan since I was a child and I had this story as a draft for years, like lot of years, so instead of doing my thesis I ended writing this in my not-so-free time. This is the first ff I write in (also) years and the first about this lovely duo, it was fun and I enjoyed the try so I want to thank my bff for support me while she was writing her own thesis and I was losing my time, she'll never read this but she gave me lots of encouraging words anyway <3
> 
> \- I had to translate this because english isn't my first language, I'm very sorry for any error or incoherence, I tried my best to make this readable but I'm not so confident on that  
> \- I listened to Kygo's This Town (ft. Sasha Sloan) on repeat writing this idk if that's important lmao  
> \- HG/SS 
> 
> I hope you enjoy this ! !

It's subtle, so subtle that even in his dreams it doesn't really seem to happen. 

Red's arm grazes him, as if trying to get his attention. If it's not the graze of his arm then it's a hand on his shoulder or a little bump with his elbow, wherever it ends up bumping: On his back, embedded in a rib, or into Green's own elbow. 

They're subtle, so subtle that they can't even be considered a caress, not even a furtive touch, because it would be giving them more romanticism than they really deserve, but Green likes to receive them, even if they’re just a tap, even if they’re just calling. 

He imagines they can be warm touches, invisible marks, that they can be lines that draw a horizon, creating or destroying as they wish, lifting or dropping, that his touches control nature in its purest form, just as Red controls everything around him. 

The touch they share is always firm: Red gets used to exerting more pressure than necessary because Green never responds instantly, not knowing that the reason is that Green's body is used to him, like breathe, natural and necessary but unconscious, that’s why Green doesn’t have a quick reaction and Red sometimes has to push him with a little more strength. 

The touch hurts, even if it doesn't land on one of his ribs, and makes him want more, but Green doesn't accept it out loud, because there are words that are better not to pronounce. Green prefers to lie and say that Red bothers him, pushing him away with a protest, just as he pushes away everything that makes him feel vulnerable, just as he always runs away to defend himself against his own insecurities. 

Green pushes him away because he knows Red always comes back: He shouldn't take it for granted, but sometimes he plays at knowing how much people really esteem him. Green plays it safe to make sure that he isn’t waiting in vain, maintains his perfect facade, hides the cracks that suggest the feelings he tries to appease, and refuses to accept even the smallest truth, because one truth leads to a string of them, and a drop can become a waterfall in a matter of seconds. 

There’s so much he could lose that he can't screw everything up _again._

He tries not to sink into self-pity and self-hatred when he thinks about his preteen self: Green is sure that now he’s different, that he wouldn’t make the same mistakes, that he wouldn’t say the same things, but he still keeps it in mind, like someone that’s carrying his cross and refuses to put it down and move on: He can't afford to ruin his relationship with Red after the years it took them to rebuild it. 

So Green is satisfied with other things, sharing jokes, spaces and energies until feeling jaded and complete, but he stops looking at Red in the eyes, hiding from his penetrating gaze that seems to stare through him, and it’s that lack of mental connection, that lack of the gaze that shares the answer to an unspoken question or the question to an answer that they know will come, what makes Green feel disconnected from the same networks that keep him safe, in control, lucid and healthy. 

Green sinks, so deep that he's drowning. 

Until he wakes up. 

The lucky number is 2 when Green opens his eyes, a little scared at the throbbing pain in his head from the dream he was having. The digital clock on his nightstand announces that it’s two in the morning and Green, lying on his bed, with emotions suffocating him, the reminder of the paperwork he left at the gym and the painkillers still affecting his spatial perception, recognizes that the place where he’s is a place from which he must escape quickly. 

He should give up, but Green doesn't know what that means, he considers as he gets up trying to be agile but gets dizzy from standing too fast. He looks around and seeks Eevee but she isn’t in his room, so he assumes that she is probably sleeping with Daisy like she does every time they return to his (Gramp's) house in Pallet Town. More carefully, Green leaves his bed and dresses silently, grabs his jacket, his belt with his remaining pokémon and his Pokégear. He looks around the room before leaving, as if looking for something else to bring just in case; however, he remembers that although for a long time that room was _his_ room, now he almost never comes here and his most important belongings are in Viridian City.

It's 2 a.m and usually if Green were in Viridian City at this hour he’d be answering emails, checking the gym schedules, helping with the weekly training programs and working on the usual gym leader paperwork, but now in Pallet Town he doesn't have much to do and he didn't even has his documents with him to finish his work thanks to his unexpected arrival.

_His very-way-too-much unexpected arrival._

Green closes the bedroom door gently and keeps an eye on his surroundings to avoid raising any suspicion. He has no intention of bumping into his Gramps and start an argument, and he doesn’t want to make Daisy feel bad because he’s incapacitated of spend more than 3 hours in bed resting at home without wanting to escape, but luckily, he doesn’t run into any of them in the hallway, or the first floor, so leaving the house is easier than expected.

The cold night hits his skin on his way out, slightly stunning him. The town is quiet and the Kanto sky above his head is drawn dark, so dark it’s almost black, which makes the stars shine even more bright. Green is the type of person who will do whatever it takes to achieve what he sets out to do, no matter what others say, so, ignoring the warning signs his mind and exhausted body scream, and disregarding the memory of his sister's voice asking him to stop, even with the clumsiness of his legs and missing the constant presence of Eevee on his shoulders, he encourages himself to walk out of the place.

It’s thanks to that innate insistence that he doesn’t flinch when, a couple of steps away from the house, he meets two familiar eyes that look at him strangely, a look that quickly turns into understanding and then into disapproval. 

Red obviously doesn't say anything but his eyes, almost offended, ask Green _what the hell is he doing walking around there,_ and more than a scare, seeing Red in the middle of the street and with his face stern in reproach, Green only feels disgust, because he doesn’t want anyone to see him at this moment but, especially, he doesn’t want to see anyone, _anyone,_ and if at any time he felt some kind of desperation to leave that claustrophobic town and flee far, far away, as far as he can go, now under Red's dark gaze, Green feels that his emotions are pushed to the limit and that the control he usually has over himself begins to slip in front of the person with whom he has always been understood with no need of words.

"Nothing." He responds instinctively, without even thinking about it, and Red isn’t convinced at all, especially when he realizes that Green replies without looking at him, feigning disinterest. 

If anything, that reaction to everything Red does is the common denominator lately, because Green can pounce on life bravely up to a point, and from then on it's just evasions and sarcastic comments that increase his dislike level until people leave him alone. 

Red stands still and the air that surrounds him is far from calm as ever, as if it were a threat before a natural disaster that will come if Green doesn’t turn around and go home. 

Green has options, he thinks as he looks around, eyes that travel the deserted streets of Pallet Town with speed. He could ignore Red, run to Gramp's lab and lock himself in there for the next few hours before trying to get out again, all if his Gramps isn't there, of course; he could also just tackle Red, run to Route 1 and escape by the grass until getting back to Viridian City, fly with Pidgeot to Johto, stay in some town lost in nowhere and change his name to a more sober color, like Blue for example. 

Green observes every detail of the town, the houses, the signs, the flowers in the planters, the soil, the footprints of pokémon, the slightly wet grass, the trees that sway gently, he looks at everything around him except Red, because Red understands Green without speaking, just as Green understands him, and if at some point he believed that that almost spiritual understanding was something pleasant, at this moment, in this place, it’s extremely annoying. 

" _Go back to bed._ " Red wants to tell him, Green feels it in the air, in the cold of the early morning that hits his empty hand, alone. He feels it in Red’s tall body that stands in front of him and that, as always, tries to prevent him from moving forward, and now Green wants to tell him that it's not an option to go back, that he really needs to get out of this devilish village, that he can’t breathe, that he’s drowning, that he wants peace, he wants air, he wants to be away from anything that makes him think about the life he tries so hard to forget, that he doesn’t even want to share oxigen with his Gramps, that he can’t even bear to be near Red, that all of this is uncomfortable because hours ago he was awake doing his ordinary life and, suddenly, without realizing it, he woke up in this nightmare called Pallet Town. 

When Green's eyes look down after staring at the sky for a couple of minutes, he realizes that he could’ve run far if he really wanted to, that he could’ve managed to hide all the annoyance towards what’s around him, but when his eyes fix on Red's black and bright eyes, on the pale face staring at him harshly, in the red jacket that embraces him, in the dark hair that slips under his cap, in the grimace that his face makes as he waits for an answer, Green's stomach jumps, so hard that he doesn't know if he wants to vomit or scream. 

Right now Green should be upset for the interruption, but all his mind is thinking about is how good Red looks standing there in the middle of the night. 

Red takes a step forward and Green can't move backwards, hesitating under the eyes in front of him, and he feels stupid for look, because Red's eyes hypnotize him, overwhelm him, and they always realize that there’s something Green is trying to hide. 

The wind whistles around him, the ground is firm beneath his feet, but Green feels himself sinking, with Red's eyes staring at him waiting for a clarification that may never come Green is drowning again. 

"I have to go and you would make everything easier for me if you just let me do it without acting like a jerk." He mentions at the air, resting a hand on his waist, voice that speaks as if it were a suggestion, body expression that says it’s an order. 

Red just shakes his head.

Green feels more pathetic, why doesn't he just turn around and walk away? 

_"You don't even have one pokémon with you."_ Red signs with his hands.

Green touches his body as if looking for something, stunned, and indeed he realizes that he doesn’t have his pokémon with him. 

"... Where?" He asks in annoyance. Red points to the house. 

Daisy. Green realizes and turns around in irritation, Red got what he wanted: He goes back home, albeit for the wrong reasons. 

Red rushes to stop him by squeezing him lightly in the forearm area, causing Green to freeze completely, his face deformed in pain when he recognizes the pressure in a delicate area. 

"I get it, I get it!" He responds quickly, making a move to release himself from the grip, eyes fixed on the hand that holds him. "I'm not going to bother Daisy, so let go of me." 

His words don’t convince Red, who maintains his grip without difficulty, pressing firmly with his thumb the place where Green had an IV a few hours ago, as if to say: _"Hey, do you remember that you passed out from overwork this morning, Professor Oak’s aides found you unconscious in the middle of the Viridian Forest, they brought you to Pallet Town where a doctor came to see you, they gave you some medicine and vitamins and you slept all day? Where the hell do you think you're going?"_

"I wasn’t planning to go back to Viridian City anyway." Green defends himself, trying to convince him, and it’s in vain, Red is so stubborn that it isn’t even a virtue but a flaw. 

Red loosens his grip a bit, not letting Green go completely but not pressing his wound either, and a mocking grin spreads across his face. 

"Ha-ha, I know I'm never there." Green replies dryly. 

There’s a silence in which Red seems to articulate something, as if obligating himself to open his mouth to make Green understand and that’s not what Green wants, heart that breaks a little again, because no matter how much he insists, says or tries to reveal, Red doesn't seem to understand his desperation to leave, and Green doesn't want to explain himself, just as he doesn't want Red to force himself to speak. 

Red's voice sounds like a whisper, it's a plea to Green's self-control, a fearful, worried beg because he knows what Green is capable of. 

"Don’t." Green responds and forcefully releases himself from Red's touch, making the night feel even colder against his skin. 

Red sighs, feeling unable to express the need he feels, and Green would like to say a few words too or rather to shout them. 

Green doesn't even know why he's still trying if it's so obvious that this isn't working out the way he expected and he no longer has the patience to endure reproachful looks or an attempted lecture, he doesn't want to listen to Red and doesn't want to force him to speak either, he doesn’t want to see him and doesn't want to touch him or be touched, he doesn’t want to be close to him, he doesn’t want to share the same space or the same air, he’s tired of his presence, his being, his existence, and he would like to be able to say it, with the same whispering voice, so exhausted, so melancholic, that Red uses, he wants to beg him too. 

However, with bitterness stuck in his throat and an upset stomach, Green says nothing and avoids looking at Red to not show what he’s thinking, because Green likes when Red smiles all over his face, so hard that his eyes close until they disappear, and he loves to be the reason for the brightness that illuminates him, so he doesn’t want to be the reason for his misery, not again, not after all they had to go through to be able to consider themselves friends again, because Red doesn't deserve to put up with all the shit Green is dealing with at this moment. 

Red deserves better things and if Green opens his mouth he’ll not give them to him _._

So they remain silent for a few minutes in which Red isn’t fazed at all either he moves from his position, perhaps believing that Green is going to run away if he gives him the space to do so, because it’s obvious that his conviction to leave hasn’t been broken in the least, even if it means going to wake up Daisy at this hour to demand his pokémon back. 

"The faster I leave, the faster I'll go back." Green says after a while, staring at his shoes in boredom, neck tired from being bent down. 

He hears a snort in response and it sounds almost like Red is forcing himself to find patience. 

"Of course you're not going to let me! When has it mattered to you what I want to do or not? Now stop antagonizing me by making things harder for me and move." Green responds explosively, almost on the verge of yelling, only controlling his volume out of respect for the nighttime, and his gaze finally lifts, resting on Red's eyes, after what seemed like an eternity avoiding confrontation and the intensity of his gaze causes Red to lower his defenses, strangeness drawing slowly on his features, without understanding anything of what’s happening. 

Everything is so stupid, honestly speaking. Green knows he’s making a fool of himself because Red is right and he’s not trying to stop him to annoy him, Red is referring to a greater good, _to his own good,_ because Green can’t even stand the migraine he has, because he didn’t sleep in days and has been negligent with his physical and mental state, and although it bothers him to accept it at that moment, Red is only being responsible, because Green has pokémon waiting for him, a sister who cares, a grandfather who does what he can. 

Red's expression softens again and his eyes are so calm, so conciliatory, that when he gently extends his hand to caress Green's, the reaction he gets is completely the opposite of what he offers, because when Green sees Red’s hand approaching his, his body instinctively retracts, as if avoiding a burn, and his usually agile movements, in panic coupled with fatigue, become awkward, bringing his hands to himself, hiding them in discomfort. 

Green knows that he should stop looking at Red, that he shouldn't show even a shred of the weakness he's feeling, of the control that’s beginning to slip from his hands, and it seems that under the scrutiny of Red's eyes, heading back to his room and shutting himself up forever and ever slowly starts to become a better idea. 

Red walks to face Green, without touching him, but his close presence is intimidating enough, even though their heights are similar, even when an eternal tranquility is reflected on his face. 

_"What is what I make so difficult for you?_ " He asks, moving his hands slowly up to his face, to prevent Green from hiding his gaze again. 

The atmospheric pressure seems to disappear, and everything around Green becomes so volatile that he feels his head spin, dizzy, nauseated. Red waits for an answer but Green doesn't want to give it, because the outburst was a stupid slip. 

Green sinks into himself and his gaze trembles, eyes that seek to look anywhere but Red so as not to give more information than he should. He thinks of accepting defeat and returning home in silence, he says it with his facial expression, with his body, and that’s how Green admits, against his will, what he is really trying to escape from, pushing aside the excuses that sound like a complete hatred towards his family and hometown. He forgets about the paperwork, the laboratory, the gym, the trips to the hospital, the calls from his sister, the tired eyes of his grandfather and Green remembers, acknowledges, the _real problem._

But just as Green realizes it, Red also does it just by looking at him, eyes that read to the depths of his soul, and it could be insulting, disgusting, or disappointing, but Red chooses the hard option, as always, and takes Green's hand without thinking twice, pulling him and walking towards Route 21.

"What are you doing?" Green inquires, a voice that hesitates in bewilderment, but still walks behind, following him, because that's what he does, that's what he always been doing most of the time without even questioning . 

The answer doesn’t come until they stop at the seaside and Red points to the horizon, as if it were something obvious, while the chill of the sea breeze hit their faces.

"I never said I wanted to go to Cinnabar Island" Green argues, rough, cold, and completely sure that Red isn’t going to leave him alone. 

The comment makes Red look him in the eyes, soft, as if to say " _You didn't need to say it_."

Green insists: "Good, but that I want to go doesn’t mean that you’re invited."

Red laughs, very slowly, silenced against the waves and he implies two things: 1) There’s no way Green will get there without his pokémon and 2) He sees no reason why he shouldn’t be invited. 

_"There are many reasons why not, Red_ " Green would like to answer, " _First because I don't want to walk with your hands touching mine, nor with your shoulders brushing mine every three seconds, because your skin burns and it’s uncomfortable and it bothers me, because it makes me relive feelings that I’m trying to kill and it irritates me. Secondly because I don’t want to talk to you and receive an answer, forcing me to look at you as if you were the only important thing in the universe because maybe you are, but I don’t want to want to remember that I can only think about it, and thirdly, I don't want to get close to you while I'm dying of desire, of heartbreak, of waiting, dying of everything, because I'm tired and this is no longer enough."_

Obviously he wouldn't say stupid shit like that out loud. 

"Of course there are no reasons." He mentions instead, while breaking free from Red's grip, defeated, accepting that no matter how much he wants to sink each emotion until it’s canceled, wanting and doing are different concepts. 

Red touches a pokéball gently but his hands are strong when he throws it towards the sea, freeing Lapras, to whom he greets affectionately between caresses, almost as if apologizing for disturbing her so late, but she answers him with delighted cry, as saying that he doesn't need to worry. 

Before Red makes a move to climb onto her back, Green goes ahead: "Why?"

The softness slightly drawn on Red's lips fades, but his face doesn’t harden, it simply reveals more neutral features, thoughtful in silence. 

"I was going to go back to my house." Green defends. 

_"Just to hide from me."_ Red replies, hands moving so confidently that Green feels sheer terror creep up his feet, pulling him into a void. 

Green evaluates his alternatives again and sees himself running, fleeing down the street again, filling out the name change form, stealing a bicycle and pedaling into the mountains to start a new life, forgetting his job and crying dramatically for not seeing his family again, but the image of the island, with the water rocking him like a mother singing lullabies, with the friendly and warm sand caressing his skin, the sound of the volcano under his feet and the feeling of being insignificant against nature itself, shuts down the thought. 

"My world doesn't revolve around you." Green spits when he finds some hidden bravery and sounds like he's the same bully from years ago, talking too much, making fun of anything that makes him feel weak, and just saying it causes a lump in his throat, because it's a lie so big that it makes him uncomfortable just thinking about it. 

There’s a silence between the two in which they only look into each other's eyes, as they usually do, and Green is no longer so afraid to hold his gaze because with every second that passes he gets more convinced that the ~reading minds~ thingy was just a weird idea. 

Red makes a gesture that invites him to climb onto Lapras's back, accepting that it isn't worth extending a conversation that Green doesn't want to have right now. 

The trip with Lapras is fast and enjoyable, the dark sky gives a feeling of infinity and the sound of the waves and small whirls in the sea are the only thing that fills Green's ears for the next half hour until they reach the other side of the sea. Some pokémon appear from time to time, ones greeting the travelers who disturb their dreams while others, more irritable, make clear that their presence isn’t welcomed, expressing their discontent with screams that are lost in the infinity of the ocean. 

The lights of the stars and moon are the only thing that guides their way and Green, clinged to Lapras's shell only to avoid physical contact with Red, has to remember to concentrate on maintaining his grip firm and not being distracted by the landscape to not fall in the middle of the sea, but it’s difficult with his eyes admiring the horizon where the rocks end and in the distance the sky and the sea become one, and now, far from home, he avoids thinking about the terrible idea that is to come here with Red, because if there’s some truth in what he tried to say is that _yes,_ he indeed wanted to get away from him, and _no_ , it makes no sense to do so by coming with him as well. 

When arriving at Cinnabar Island there are small pole lights shining that dazzle Green slightly, who brings his hands towards his eyes, massaging them forcefully as if trying to ward off the small sparks of colorful lights that dance around him and make him dizzy. Hiding in his jacket, Green takes out his Pokégear to check the time and quickly looks for the roof of the pokémon center, in case he has to call someone to save him, because the situation is stupid, _idiotic,_ and Green knows that he's playing with a dynamite that will explode in his face sooner or later. 

Again there’s a voice that mixes with the sound of the night and the sea, whispering in gratitude behind him without waiting for an answer before the sound of a pokémon returned to his pokéball, and although Green knows that the words aren’t directed towards him, he wants to sink and swim in Red's tone of voice as if it were a pool, he wants to remember it, admire it and listen to it every morning when he wakes up. 

_He's ruined._

It's almost 4 a.m when Green starts to walk around the island, not waiting for Red to follow him because he insists that he was wrong to come with him. 

Like that, they spend a few minutes without talking, just walking around the place, and the truth is that there’s not much to see, or at least nothing that Green hasn’t seen before, and there are definitely more beautiful places to visit, with more flowers, more trees, more pokémon, but there’s something on that island that Green likes and makes him come back every time he wants to rest. 

Although it’s destroyed, although there’s not much left but memories, rocks, volcanic ash and lava paths, Green likes the reminder of the powerlessness of the human against nature. 

Red catches up to him, matching his pace, and looks at him with the same calm with which the night tide rocks. 

"Why did you come?" Green asks, upon reaching the shore in the direction of the Foam Islands, and decides to sit on the sand, staring at the dark water and the sky reflecting above, observing the lights of the cities beyond the sea, with the clouds drifting quickly in the sky and the pokémon that travel quietly, without emitting any noise, as if the night was fragile and ethereal and the mystery of life in the early morning could be destroyed. 

And it's as if Green is under a spell, because the situation around him is completely unreal.

Red sits next to him, lightly brushing their shoulders, and Green remembers that that's one of the reasons why he didn't want Red to come, because he didn't want to feel that warmth that forces him to immediately feel comfortable. 

"You're going to give your mom a heart attack if she doesn't see you at home when she wakes up." Green mentions, without stopping looking at the sea sheltered behind the rocks of the coast, absorbed in the swaying of the waves, the flight of the pokémon and the immensity that intersects with the islands in the distance. 

Red shrugs. 

"Although I'm not the right person to say it." He adds after thinking twice, in a wry giggle. 

Apparently the comment makes Red want to add something about it and Green can feel him trying to assess his options before asking. They’re already there, there’s nothing to do about it, it’s almost evident that they’re not going to return without talking, so Green just lets Red collect his thoughts calmly before proceed, tired of himself, of his heart that wants Red close, so close that they become one, but at the same time wants him above Mt. Silver without having to see, hear, or feel him. 

Suddenly Red heaves a sigh, so long that it seems that he had it stuck for years in his throat and Green raises an eyebrow at hearing it, a mixture of panic and expectation. Green isn’t looking at him but he knows Red is trying to say something to him with his eyes, causing a knot in his stomach, and he feels sicker than when he passed out this morning.

Before Red can even begin to try to communicate, Green moves aside, increasing the space between them, because he doesn’t have the strength to endure an emotional conversation or an exchange of looks and expressions that tell him that Red disapproves all the decisions he has taken in the last 24 hours. And that’s the big problem, Green knows what he does, because he does what he wants, but that never in his life has meant that the decisions he makes are good decisions, they’re simply choices which he comes to before others to avoid sentimentality, _because someone has to act with logic and objectivity sometimes._

In response to his movement, Red gets closer again, as if calling him, Green answers, looking at him by reflex action, and as he does so, his cold and abandoned body softens, heart that melts as always, emotions that surface even if he tries to silence them with strength and his love rises like tides.

"What happened?" Green asks as patiently as he can offer.

The answer never comes and they both fall into silence again. Green knows Red has things he wants to talk about, but they both know that Green isn’t going to be the one to make the first move. It’s ironic, quite ironic, that Green feels like he’s the one blocking the words, burying them perfectly, refusing to waste the effort of years of silence speaking now, while Red, without speaking, looks for a way to understand, to accompany and comfort. 

It all starts because Red doesn't really realize the magnitude of Green's denial, because that's what has them on that beach, on an almost abandoned, destroyed island, at a ridiculous hour of the night, because Green reached a point where he can’t continue to bear the emotions he has inside, because he’s already used to days, weeks and even months where all the communication that reveals the love he feels for Red are only furtive touches, shared smiles and comments full of pride to any trainer he come across while Red isn’t around; however, and much to Green's terror, that’s no longer enough. 

He came to the end of the road with so many things to say stuck in his throat that he doesn't know where to start, so he just doesn't, not just out of cowardice, but also out of sanity.

"Green..." Red starts, taking him by surprise, and now his voice is louder than any noise nature can make, more imposing than anything around him. 

Green can only laugh nervously in response, feeling chills down his back, freezing him. 

_"Your eyes… I like them because they always tell me what you don't want to say."_

Red explains it so full of confidence that all the emotions are erased from Green's face instantly, gaze fixed on who’s in front of him in icy surprise, as expecting someone to say this it's a joke, pleading, imploring. 

He should control his expression, he knows he should, but he can't, because this shit happening and it's like a secret that they both had for a long time and tacitly agreed to never mention out loud, because Green knows Red well enough as to understand the sparkle in his eyes or the lack of it, and he knows Red also perceives it, which is why he’s always afraid to look at him, afraid that his eyes will give him all the necessary information when his barriers are down, but it’s different to think about it and believe to communicate it mentally than actually converse it, turning it into words and pronounce it, making it real, palpable, audible. 

"I don’t get you." Green tries and feels his body shake. 

Red just looks at him, face covered in a strange seriousness under the glow of the beachy moon and Green is trapped: Red knows that Green talks a lot but says little, that he only has personal conversations with trainers who are just passing by and knows that he’ll probably never see again, that it’s easier for him to avoid everything with a sarcastic comment and a mockery, but that sometimes he’s an open book and Red can read him without much effort.

Slowly the frustration and despair begin to boil inside Green's body, telling him to run away, while Red just watches him like someone looking at a wild pokémon, giving him his space. 

_Shit._

Green rates the alternatives, again: He can calm the waters, tries to convince himself as he closes his eyes and breathes deeply the marine air, listening to the waves, as if looking for peace and patience in a moment that shakes him completely. 

Then, when his gaze intertwines with Red’s again in a sign of utter defeat, letting him bring his body closer until their shoulders collide, Green wonders: Who wouldn't want to be loved by Red? And his defense is that isn’t a crazy thought, that even the more he accepts it, the more sensible it becomes. 

He needs just a bit of that bravado that characterizes him so much to place his warm and trembling hand on Red's forearm, as if asking for serenity, as if asking him that no matter how difficult it’s to listen, to not run away. 

Red agrees, obviously, because he’s wonderful.

He seems to be inhuman like a deity but he isn’t, what makes him even more impressive. Everything he touches seems to become something worthy, each pokémon he cares for becomes a winner, each person he shares with seems to become kinder, as if he has the solution to every problem, as if he’s so full of understanding and affection that he could adopt every soul he sees wandering around. Everything that Red touches turns gold and Green came to hate him for it, imprisoned in envy, but the caresses they sometimes share are fire, which encourages him, and they’re also air, giving him tranquility and rest, so Green decided that it made more sense to fall in love with him than to hate him for something Red can't help. 

Red almost doesn’t speak and Green loves when in front of other people he turns to look for Green's eyes, implying everything he wants to say without the need for sound, he likes to be part of that, as if it were a secret that only the two of them share, and the joy of being able to live it and enjoy it, of being able to understand when his expressions go down in sweetness or go up in fervor, make Green not capable of having the audacity to lose him.

Green remembers the frustration he felt when he saw Red on Mt. Silver, sunk in snow, silenced in darkness and annoyance, far from everything he made perfect, from all the people who remember him with love, hidden from the looks of approval and respect, choosing only his pokémon team as something indispensable to live, and he also remembers the joy he felt when he saw him back in Pallet Town, sitting at the table in his house and having breakfast with his mom, caressing Pikachu on his lap, filling her with food until making her perfectly round.

He has seen him for as long as he can remember, how the people around him trust him, how others await his approval, he has seen him burn out after training, he has seen him obsess over something until he achieves it, he has seen him put talent into everything he makes. He has seen him full of anger, chasing Team Rocket in every corner of Kanto, he has seen him full of emotion as he watches his pokémon evolve. 

He has seen him in every possible facet, in the many years that they have been living the same experiences, dreaming the same things, and in that time he wished for reasons to stop loving him so much but, in the end, Green only ended up drowning in a love that’s so great, so deep that it prevents him from leaving. 

"What can I say?" Green begins and in his body there’s no emotion whatsoever, as if all the tension in his muscles had gathered in a great mass that became null. "Just avoid being too surprised." And his voice sounds confident again, eyebrows reflecting false mockery, and Red laughs softly, shaking his head.

He’s taking advantage of the situation and he shouldn't, Green tries to mentally remember when his fingers start to draw circles on Red's arm, first timidly and finally it’s his whole hand that caresses his pale skin, a result of being so long away from the sun. 

His eyes get tired of staring at Red's and Green looks down at his hands. In the distance the sea and land, the wild pokémon and the people who still visit the island continue to sound, and Green would like to immortalize the moment forever, so he pauses for a few seconds to seize it and make it his own. 

"It's just that there are things about you that I still don't get, I would like to see them when I look at you but I don't." 

Yes, that’s easier to say. 

Red makes a puzzled face. 

"That you’re still a mystery." Green responds, looking into his eyes again, getting away with difficulty from the heat emanating from Red's body, as if the separation was painful. 

Green makes a face with the intention of continuing to speak but falls silent again. Honesty is apparently not his thing and it was too much for just one night. Telling Ethan how much he respects Red or how much he misses him because he hasn't seen him lately is much easier than telling it to the own Red. 

He knows there’s no point in hiding anymore, because it’s so obvious that anyone with a minimum of common sense and a pair of eyes could see it, how his body is always directed towards Red, how his face gets emotional seeing him, how his lips always expect to speak about him in every conversation, how he misses him when he isn’t around although he has never had him completely. 

_Ah, Green realizes, it's just that without Red he feels lonely_. 

"My 12-year-old self would be so disappointed" He starts to say as he laughs, paradoxical compared to the tired expression on his body. "I spent years telling you to get out of my sight and now I can't even go for a walk without bringing you."

Red shows no signs of wanting to answer something but moves stealthily, following Green's body who insists on putting distance between them. His hand rests on Green's wrist, only applying gentle pressure to keep him from escaping. 

Green accepts it but his gaze hides again, Red simply seeks him, until they join. 

There’s silence again and the beach starts to become warm under the dark night, Green and Red stare into each other's eyes, almost without blinking, _and it’s a look shared by two people, each wishing that the other would initiate something that they both desire, that they both know, but which neither wants to begin._

Red asks for permission silently. Green only manages to nod his head, blushing hard. 

Green always imagined it differently, more like a waterspout, full of held and wavering emotions, a power that destroys everything in its path, devastating the sea and land; however, the hand that rests on his face, although it’s rough, touches him with lots of care, as if making sure that each step is done in complete consent. Green closes his eyes nervously and feels a chill down his spine from the suppressed emotion, Red draws his attention by lightly hitting his knees with his own, as if to say to not escape. 

"I'll not—" He manages to say before Red kisses him and all the pressure on Green's body falls off like a waterfall, melting. 

When Green's back gives in, like it's made of sand, Red's hands grab on him firmly to pull him closer, preventing him from falling. 

"I can’t stop shaking," Green mentions with amusement, not really understanding what's going on, ignoring who he is, what he's doing and where he is. "I’m nervous." He adds, commenting on the obvious. 

Red seems to feel the opposite, as if something he had been keeping for a long time had uncovered inside him and he must run towards it if he doesn't want to lose it, eyes burning with conviction. 

Green brings his hand to Red's waist, touching his abdomen over his jacket, attentive to the wrinkles in his clothes, staring blankly as he adjusts to Red's warm body close to his. 

"I like you" Green says, understanding that he has to say it now, at this moment, and he forgets about the options to change his city, life and name, he forgets about the gym that gives him headaches and especially forgets about how much he hates that stupid mountain full of snow. "I like you" He repeats, as if to make himself understood, and the red blush on his face fades as quickly as it came, leaving only a slightly pinkish hue. "And I think you, like everyone in Kanto and Johto, already knew." 

Red nods, but seems off-focus, mind wandering elsewhere. 

"Then you have things to explain." Green clarifies, as someone who wants answers and is willing to take them off by force. 

It’s after a few seconds that Red reacts to the request, hands that separate from Green's body but without moving too far, dark eyes in something that Green doesn’t understand very well. 

_"I knew you came here when you needed time alone"_ He begins.

_"And I thought that the time you were here was time you could have been with me"_

_"I felt selfish"_

Green can't help the laugh that comes out of his throat: "That's terrible." He says fondly and Red doesn't even try to defend himself or deny it. 

_"I knew you had a lot of work"_

_"But when you stopped going to Mt. Silver it felt worse than being alone_ " 

Green feels that his heart is on an eternal roller coaster that never seems to end, so he seeks a bit of calm by rubbing his hands to keep them warm, watching as little krabby walk by the shore of the beach until hiding between the rocks. 

_"I was scared… Today"_ Red finishes, eyes sparkling in sincerity.

"Yeah, that definitely wasn’t my most dignified moment." He laughs softly as he says it, tired of playing strong at such hours of the night. "I’m sorry."

Red shakes gently his head, like saying that he doesn’t need to worry about it anymore, and his hands, finally, touch Green's head, stroking his hair and putting it behind his ears. 

_That was what Red was thinking earlier._

"Since when?" Green inquires, allowing himself to be caressed.

Red laughs, he doesn't answer directly but from the expression on his face Green assumes it's been quite a while and with that he’s satisfied for now, he didn’t expect more information either. 

"And what do we do now?" 

Red moves his hand away from Green's hair to reply, " _You don't want to know."_

Green feels the colors rise up to his face again: "I didn't know you were a comedian."

Again there’s silence and Red doesn’t come closer, he just watches him, apparently pleased with Green's mood change, who obviously looks calmer than a few hours ago and the blush that tints his face gives him a healthier appearance, far from the physical and mental exhaustion he has been wearing lately. 

"I feel happy," Green mentions understanding Red's look, calm, and Red makes an approving sound at that. "So happy that I don't want to freeze to death here." 

He knows there's not much to do on the island other than the pokémon center and see a bunch of ruins and a volcano crater, but Green likes to visit it whenever he has time to spare, because it makes him feel like he's close from home, very close, but at the same time with the necessary distance to feel free, to feel that at any time he can leave if he wants. 

Red takes Green’s hand, drawing his attention, and moves his head in the direction of Route 21. 

"Do you want us to go back?" Green asks, knowing that the answer is yes. 

Red's silent response is just to get up, gently pulling Green to do the same, guiding him along the edge of the beach, careful to not get wet from the waves crashing near them. Green follows him with no problem but his eyes remain fixed on the landscape for longer than necessary, so Red squeezes his hand slightly, looking for Green's gaze to join his. 

" _We can come back another day."_

Green smiles at the promise, silently grateful, and Red feels his heart skip at the sight. 

The return to Pallet Town is silent, the night is just as dark, the sea is just as calm, and the pokémon just as annoying, but at difference at the trip to Cinnabar Island, now Green can hug Red's waist so as not to fall off Lapras. 

When they arrive, Green no longer finds it as irritating as a couple of hours ago and the feeling of claustrophobia he usually feels there changes to one of deep nostalgia mixed with a little guilt for always demonizing the place that connected him to everything he considers important in his life. 

From the shore, they walk hand in hand under the dim lights, enjoying the night breeze, swimming in the moment they share and in the sounds of nature mingling around them, until they reach Green's house. 

Red seizes the moment to stroke his hair again and Green melts under the touch. They stay together for a few minutes before Green tugs Red's jacket slightly, drawing his attention. 

"Do you want to come in?" He asks full of the security of always but the blush that fills his face extends to his neck. 

Red's eyes darken again reflecting something Green still doesn't quite understand but nods anyway.

They enter the house very stealthily, take off their shoes at the entrance and carefully walk towards the second floor, trying not to scare anyone or attract attention, especially to avoid waking up Daisy, Clefairy or Eevee, which Green now knows for sure is sleeping in his sister's room on purpose to prevent Green from waking up in the middle of the night, grabbing his things, and leaving without saying anything like he usually does and just tried to do a while ago. 

Green's house looks a lot like Red's, and although technically Green no longer lives there most of the time, because he has an apartment in Viridian City, his room on the second floor of the house is almost intact: His bed is bigger, because now he’s bigger too, there are more papers and books on the desk, and more recent photos on the walls and shelves, but other than that, everything is the same. 

Now inside, with the door locked and Red in his room, Green feels nervous again. 

There are probably a million things that they still need to talk and many others that may never mention in their whole life, because again both are looking at each other trying to read their minds, trying to understand silent words, and there’s something that they both desire, again, that they know the other also wants, again, but that neither of them wants to initiate. 

_Again._

History is going to repeat itself indefinitely for as long as they have time left on earth, Green supposes, because his body shrinks in strange shyness and his face reflects laughter as a defense mechanism when Red slowly approaches, posing one of his hands on his cheek, staring at him. 

Red doesn't smile and his expression doesn't flinch, eyes looking at him seriously and Green feels like he's being examined. There’s silence until Green realizes that Red is waiting for some movement, so he dares to steal a clumsy kiss under the darkness of the place. 

The answer; however, doesn’t have any of that clumsiness and Green starts to understand the dark gaze that stares at him, staggering for the force that Red exerts against him, causing him to recoil until he collides with the edge of his bed. 

The kiss is completely different from the one they shared at the beach, maybe because they’re in private, maybe because it’s just the two of them now, _maybe because they both know exactly what the other wants at this moment._

Green allows himself to succumb, accepting the space-robbing advances until he finally climbs onto his bed, pulling Red's hands to invite him to do the same. Red takes the opportunity, slowly positioning himself over Green, cornelling him against the pillow, while his hands instinctively move to take his waist, squeezing him lightly while his lips part to kiss Green's neck, sinking into him gently, leaving furtive caresses with restraint, fearing of losing his self-control even by a bit and turning a kiss into a bite in a place so obvious that anyone will see it. 

"You don't need to be shy now." Green mentions when he realizes the effort, hands reaching for Red's cap to get it out of his way, messing up his hair in the attempt, and leaving little kisses on his face, pleased with the situation.

The comment causes Red to lay a hand on his thigh, massaging it hard. Green squirms deliciously on the bed in response, opening his legs to invite him to take position between them. 

Red smiles at the reaction, satisfied and bewitching, causing Green's stomach to jump and his brain to melt, not knowing how to respond other than placing his hands on the other's shoulders to bring him closer to himself, bringing their lips together again. 

What's nice about the moment, Green thinks, aside from the scent of fresh grass in Red's hair, the warmth of his skin, his addictive taste and the beauty of his eyes that seem to reflect the stars when they stare at him, is how comfortable he feels in the midst of all of this, because without words he can realize the evident desire in Red's body but at the same time he also realizes the control he has over his own emotions, perhaps being careful to not do something that Green will not like, because Green still doesn't feel irrational enough to talk about it out loud without feeling desperate, problem he solves with a subtle movement, rolling his body against Red's, action that earns him a bite on the lip and a hard thrust.

Green chokes on a groan and prefers to chuckle, sounding more mischievous than burlesque, producing a pleased smirk in response on Red's face and the moment is so intense, intimate yet fun, sensual yet loving, that Green decides he wants to continue playing with fire and repeats the action, rubbing his crotch against Red's until he finds a rhythm that suits both of them, and it’s exciting seeing how Red's body starts to loosen, hands that slip under Green’s clothes to touch him with more confidence.

Red kisses him hungrily, as if he wanted to take his breath away, as if it were a matter of survival struggle, and at another time Green would oppose him, playing to bend him, challenging him as he always does, but he doesn’t feel like that at the moment, and full of an overwhelming want to be eaten completely, he lets Red guide him, receiving everything he offers, without discomfort or distrust, because his body knows him and reacts well to every stimulus, every bite, every caress, every touch. 

Maybe they waited too long until they felt ready to take the first step and that’s why they act as if they know exactly what to do, as if they already had the experience of knowing each other, perhaps they imagined it too much, they dreamed about it a lot, perhaps the tension they always had between them is giving them all the answers. 

Green gets up a bit from his position and Red gives him room to settle in, patiently watching his movements, and as Green gets closer to start to remove his clothes while kissing him slowly, there’s something that calls Red's attention and that makes his face draw the biggest surprise Green has ever seen in him. 

"What's wrong?" Green asks, stopping dead, concerned and almost imagining the worst. 

Red just blushes fiercely looking at the photo frame on Green's nightstand. 

_"I don't want Professor Oak to see what we're doing."_

There’s an expectant silence between the two of them, staring at each other, before Green has to cover his mouth so as not to wake up Daisy with how loudly he laughs at the comment and Red feels infected by the animated sound coming out from Green's mouth, pleased. 

"It's terrible?" Green asks a few seconds after his laugh passes, raising an eyebrow, and now his voice doesn’t sound bubbly anymore but tempting. "It’s so terrible what you’re going to do, what _we_ are going to do?"

Red's eyes darken again and Green finally recognizes it as the look of a predator, shuddering underneath it. 

There’s a nod and Red throws himself against Green's body again, kissing him as he tries to remove his clothes and Green has to put an extra effort in the middle of the, now, inevitable attraction between their bodies to turn the family photo upside down. 

"Tell me that you like me." Green asks in a moan when he can finally concentrate on Red again. 

Red, obviously, responds delighted.   
  
  
  
  


Green awakens to the call of his name in a lovely whisper, the shy sun perched on his face, glimpses of a soft morning slipping through his window and Eevee's warm body finally snuggled up to his side. Shifting awkwardly under the covers, his eyes flicker to get used to the morning glow, and he immediately finds Red standing in front of him, wearing a t-shirt and a track pant that Green had forgotten he kept in his closet. 

He doesn't remember when he fell asleep or how many hours he rested, nor does he remember feeling Red waking up, Eevee arriving, or even changing his own clothes to something more comfortable. 

Red doesn't answer any questions, he just hands him a glass of water and a bottle of pills prescribed for his fatigue. Green mutters a sleepy " _Thank you_ " and sits clumsily on the bed, taking the pills and then peering at him, waiting for something else. 

_"Let’s get breakfast."_ Red invites him, and Green likes to see his face full of calm, he even likes to see Pikachu on his shoulder, although Pikachu doesn’t seem to like the new status of their relationship too much. 

The scene in the kitchen is so domestic, completely ignoring the world that exists outside the table they share, away from the surrounding walls, that makes Green's heart ache in a mix of awe and arousal, not sure if it’s born from what happened yesterday or from what will happen tomorrow, but for a moment he wants to stop obsessing over having everything under his control, and as he watches Pikachu and Eevee calmly eat next to each other, feels a strange sense of fulfillment. 

The sound of the dishes being placed on the table and the coffee being served in his cup, break the silence of the morning and Green is startled slightly, as if returning from his trance, and next to him Red sits in silence but his lips draw a satisfied smile. 

Green loves having him so close, so much that he can’t even explain it. Red caresses him gently when he feels the intensity of his loving gaze, as reassuring him that he’s loved too.

"Did I fall asleep or did I pass out?" Green asks while taking a sip of coffee and putting a toast on his plate. 

Red implies that the former. The answer makes them feel less irresponsible.

"Did I talk in my sleep?" 

Red smiles, nodding as he mixes some honey with his tea. 

"Old habits die hard." Green laughs, and the sound of their happiness reverberates cheerfully in the place. 

_"Although I prefer to think it was because of my good work_." Red mentions after putting his mug aside and taking a bite of the bread, but his bed head makes Green to find him more cute than cool.

Green rolls his eyes, smiling haughtily: "I was already weakened." The comment causes Red to hit his knee softly under the table, feigning offense. 

He isn’t sure what time it is and he likes to think that the two of them don’t care much about it, from time to time looking at each other in silence, with a heart full of reciprocated love and a skin that misses the warm of the other, sharing time as if they had a eternity, laughing together as if they were owners of the whole day. 

Green feels well rested and very light, as if naturally his body was attracted to Red’s by just sitting near him, looking at him with eyes brimming with emotion, and it’s nice to know that it's enough of so much internal struggle. 

The table becomes an intermediate point, between banal conversations, crockery sounds and Pikachu and Eevee playing under the chairs, Green and Red are in sync again, living and breathing with the same rhythm and intensity. 

Before kissing again, neither mentions it, but they look at each other, sealing a silent deal, _and it is a look shared by two people, each wishing that the other would initiate something that they both desire but now both want to begin._

When they separate, Daisy's alarm clock rings in the distance, warning them that a new day has officially begun, full of new opportunities.

**Author's Note:**

> red: _im sorry i disrespected your grandson_  
>  prof oak: wat
> 
> Thank you so so so much for giving this a try <3  
> I hope y'all take care and have calm days.


End file.
